Where I've been, Where I am at, Where I am going……

By now, you all know that I like to write. Usually it involves a few drinks, maybe a vicodin or two, and a little case of the blues. Okay, so that's a lie. Usually I am shit faced, depressed on the edge of losing it all. This one is a bit different. I've been drinking a little and I am actually not too depressed. But, I'll go on. Its been a while since I've written anything. So, here goes.

Most of you have read some of my other blogs and know my story. The truth is, no matter how much I put in them and how dark they appear. Its still far from the truth. I always say that its better to go through life blind. There are certain things that you really are better of not knowing.

That's how I feel about sci (spinal cord injury). I've seen things in the last 5 years that no one should have to see. The things I've been through, dealt with and felt, are not pretty, The problem with something like sci, is once you see the bad in life. Your no longer the same. Its true. Once you go over, you can't really come back the same. Its like that movie flat liners. Bunch of med school students kill themselves, and then bring eachother back from being dead. They see some weird freaky shit. The things I've seen in my mind I would give anything to never have seen. Sure, I can use them to fuel me to be a better ahtelte, or more drive to do more with my life and others can learn from my stories I share. But, its not worth it.

I am no longer the person I once was. It took me a long time to learn this. But, most of us will have many lives inside our own. I had my life up until my injury. Then I had my injury life up until about a year ago. Now, I have my new life. Where I am a racer once again. But, with different focus, different sport, different drive. Many things are different. Nothing really is the same.

I am not gonna spend a lot of time on where I've been. Most of you know the story. If you don't, read the rest of my blogs. Basically, I've seen how far you can fall before the end. I've seen the bottom and stared death in the face. Many will have that expierence. The key is letting it go. Not having fear of it. You have to let it go and move past it. Not around it or away, but through it. You can't let it be a limiter in your life.

Where I am. Well, that's easy right? I am in san diego. Har. I am not really sure where I am lately. I've getting close. I was really lost a few weeks ago. I was near the bottom again. I am not sure what happened. I was doing good. And then the shit hit the fan. Hell, I am not sure what went wrong. But, all I know was I was in a bad spot. I needed curtis to come out here for a few days so I wouldn't do something bad. Kinda scary isn't it? I had a lot of shit going on. Stuff at work, Paralympics, looking at my future, money, the past, regret just a ton of stuff.

I think two things came into play.
One, I just got over whelmed. I have a bad habit of just putting things off. I still do it. I just let them all pile on and don't deal with it. Hell, I still haven't worked out many of my demons about my injury. If I don't like something, I figure that if I put it off long enough, it will go away. Truth is, that doesn't work. It just keeps piling and piling on. Then, at some point. You just need a little tick, and its done. It will all fall. "House of Cards" That's what my mind is. It's a big complicated building. It looks pretty and is very complicated. But, it is oh so fragile. Just one little thing and its done. I am trying to learn how to deal with my issues better. Hopefully in time, I will learn. Maybe at some point, I will see someone about it. That is doubtful however. More then likely, I will just continue to go for a few months and be great, then hit the bottom for no reason. And then either email tp at 4 am with a novel or call capt curtis.

Second, this is even more proof that I am fucked up. I am pretty sure I am bipolor. At least with depression. I can literally be fine and on top of the world and not a care. Then in a matter of less then a day. I can be ready to end it all. "All and out tour" It can hit with no warning. And lately I am better then ever. But, the sweet wouldn't be so sweet without the sour. And my sour is worse then ever. I guess it's all a trade in life? I am learning how to deal with it. Depression is a scary bad thing. Its something I live with on a daily basis. I feel however that its something I will always have to some degree. I am one of those people that will never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough for me. That's just my curse. Its what makes me me. Its what allows me to push so hard. But its also what haunts me at night.

So, some of you know about this. I didn't tell everyone or make a big deal, because I had no idea what was gonna happen. But, I spent about 10 days at the Olympic Training Center back in april. I was training with the paralympic cycling team. I was hoping to get a spot to go to bejing this year for the games. Yea, it was a long shot. But what the hell. Whats the worse that could happen? I don't make it? So what.

Well, I learned a lot at the camp, and then got the chance to go to Colorado this past weekend (june 6) and race the qualifier for the offical US team. Well, thing didn't go as planned. I had a few minor issues that didn't make it a great day. I got classified in a faster division then I had thought I would be placed. I had some bike issues, which made my head a little off.

I can say though, I had the race of my life. I've never ridden that hard. It was a 14K time trial with a rolling course. I've never ridden that hard or that fast for my life. I've never pushed it that far. I rode so hard, took so many risks it was scary. I almost crashed 3 times, puked, and almost blacked out. I went into a corner so fast that I my wheels were chattering across the road. I puked all over myself and the bike after the finish line. At the 1k to go mark, I almost blew a corner because I was literally seeing stars. I had spots in my eyes. I never knew I could push that hard. My lungs hurt for an honest 20 hours after the race. You can ride the race of your life, which I did, and sometimes, your best. Is just not enough. It happens. But, what I can say. I went there, with much less prep then many of the other athletes. And I put it all out there. I put everything on the line. And in the end, I came home, and I am okay with it. How many of you can say that you put it all out there. Everything, other then when I broke my back, that was the most painful expierence of my life. I am okay with not making the team because of that.

So now, no bejing for me this year. That means its time to make my schedule for the summer. I am in the process of doing that. Mostly time trials and triathlons.

I have a new roommie moving in soon. I am thinking that things will work out great with her. She's an amazing girl. Makes me look like a slacker. I just hope I can keep up, and maybe get lucky enough to hit on her on occasion. I like to joke.

Oh, and I am thinking about going back to school. Maybe a health science degree. I would like to get into coaching at some point. All though, that history degree and being a teacher is still appealing to me.

On to…….
Where I am going…….

That's something I spend far too much time on. It keeps me up at night. There are other things, but it keeps my mind running far too fast. Finally I think I know where I am going. I think I have a plan as well. Not sure if it will work it what will happen. But, I am going to give it a shot. I am not going to die with regret. I am more scare of regret then anything in this world. When people do something, how often do they give it their all? Or really do what their heart wants? Its your life, not someone else's. You should follow your own path. Not what others say you should do. That's my play……

I am tired of hearing people tell me I can do this or I should do that, or I shouldn't try so hard. You know what? Fuck it, and fuck everyone that says you cant do what you want. This is my life and I will live it how I want. I will myself as hard and as far as I want. When I am old, tired and dieing I will be able to say one thing that most everyone wont be able to. I gave it my all. I set my goals high and went for them. I put it all on the line, and left it all on the field. That should be a nike slogan. But, that's my plan.

I love to pedal, I really do. I love racing. I am going to make it. Whether its going to London in 2012, or the pan am games, or I really do figure this speed thing out and become a Cat 1 rider. I know it sounds nuts. I don't care. The doctors told me I was nuts for saying I would walk and run again. What's crazier, living your life to the limits you set, or what others think you should live within? So, that's pretty much the plan. I have a little bit of money, some new sponsors helping and hopefully more to come. But, basically I am going to give it my all. If I fail, well, at least I gave it all. But, I wont fail. I am going to be able to be on my death bed and say I gave it my all. There will be no regrets.

I am not saying I am quitting my job or anything crazy. But, I am going to keep my schedule of working around 20 hours a week, and busting my ass. Going to get a full time coach in the next few weeks. Sit down and make a long term plan. I am going to make it a legitmate full time pro athlete. This is what I will do. There are no other options, besides success. I kinda hate sharing my goals with others. People will tell me I am fullish or I wont make it. But I will. I don't care. Go ahead. Tell me I wont make it. You know what? You'll be the one in the end with the regrets. I will be able to say I gave it my all. You will be dying and wonder, "What if?" I will not have that In my life. I would rather be laughed at for setting high goals, and go broke then sit and wonder 'What if?" There will be no what if.

I know this all sounds very selfish. But in the end., I really am a selfish person. But, there are two reasons behind this. I would love nothing more then to make it as a pro cyclist. But, there is another. After my mens fitness story came out, I have gotten a flood of emails. People telling me how motivated I made them feel. Its an amazing feeling to hear someone tell you that your story changed their life. That's what I am after. They say if you touch one your life, you did good. I don't buy that. I want more. I want to motivate as many people as I can. This is random. But, this country is in a sad shape as far as health goes. I would love to be able to motivate as many people as possible to get healthy. I want to reach as many as I can. The bigger I become as an athlete, the more exposure I will get. Then I can hope to reach more people. I don't expect everyone to sign up for ironman. But if they can get off the couch, and my story helped them, that's great. I got several emails from people that told me my story got them to sign up for a tri, a marathon, go for a bike ride, etc. That was the greatest feeling every. I know its selfish, but it goes both ways.

I guess that's about it. I know this isn't as dark as normal. But, I am not in the dark depressed mood. Just been wanting to give an update. I've been thinking about where I am going a lot lately. June 10 is 5 years since my injury. I always start thinking about where I've been and where I am going when it gets close to my date. So, I guess that's it for tonight. As usual, no editing, no spell check. Just raw and uncut. I like feedback, so feel free to email, or comment on this. I like to hear about what people think.

Posted by matt on October 20, 2008 10:50 PM